I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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