i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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