I am spending my child support on dildos
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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