I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so that wasnt chicken after all
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
