Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
