We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We have started to decorate penises.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
