Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
