My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
