im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
