I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
