Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
