Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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