im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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