Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I could fuck to npr.
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