Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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