why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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