your parents love me but you hate me
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
