I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize