well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
