Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
