It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
