Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
