Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
What a dumb baby whore.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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