Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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