He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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