I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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