I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
