im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
