It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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