I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
