Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
