I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
