things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
