Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
