He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
