Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
