Do you still have your period?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
