Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
