never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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