do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
