i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
