i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
