Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
