Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I don't deserve a penis
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
