I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
