I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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