There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
