I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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