That's intense
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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