I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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