i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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