There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
