her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
